Tuesday, June 17, 2008
My WAG XI
Nobody really cares about the games tomorrow. We're all just waiting for Portugal vs. Germany on Thursday so here's something to hold you over til' then and boost my page hits a whole lot.
Pretty simple idea, WAGs play the corresponding position of their significant other.
GK Alena Seredova - She's just regal, isn't she? Former Miss Czech Republic, also my aformentioned favy.
LB Cheryl Cole - You know what I always say, if she's good enough for one of the Jonas Brothers she's good enough for me. Ms. Tweedy-Cole brings some major musical "talent" to the table with her tremendously successful Britpop girl group and her little cameo in Will.i.am's catchy "Heartbreaker." And she's a good wholesome norn' english Geordie girl. Her only downside is she's married to a stupid fucking cunt.
Gotta have a girl who seems attainable to the average male, sort of the Lindsay Lohan of the squad. With that I introduce to you...
CB Aida Yespica - Now let's not mince words, she's a big ol' slut, and god bless her for it. Any girl who goes from Italian striker Pippo Inzaghi to Italian defender Matteo Ferrari (omg interracial!) to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is A-OK in my book.
RB Imogen Thomas - Used to date Reading defender Ibrahim Sonko (why? I'm not sure) so she qualifies for the right back position. I'm also a sucker for dimpled Welshmen. She's like a less hairy Ryan Giggs aka perfect.
RM Victoria Beckham - Can't think of anyone more worthy of captaining my WAG XI. Before her the WAG didn't even exist. She single-handedly starts fashion trends. Her tits (what augmentation?) make her look like those fem-bots from Austin Powers and they could probably poke my eyes out but I'm drawn to them nonetheless. And she was really funny on that Coming to America NBC special, personality is a refreshing quality to find in a WAG. Basically, she's an incredible woman.
CM Sylvie van der Vaart - The hottest woman alive. Seriously. I saw but a glimpse of her in the stands at the France-Holland game and she is, without lighting or photoshop or a particularly flattering angle, the most stunningly beautiful woman alive. K now that we're on the same page, moving on...
CM Noemie Lenoir- At 28 she brings some much-needed experience to this squad and some essential full-frontal nudity (note the tattoo location, brilliant stuff). And as the arm candy of pitbull Claude Makelele she brings some steel and man-eating prowess to an admittedly lightweight midfield. If you're wondering how a mug like Makelele gets a nubian princess like Naomi, might I direct your attention to his impressive abdomen.
LM Oksana Andersson - Gotta have a Swede if you're making a list of best WAGs. Well she's Russian-born, actually, thus the Oksana. But the Andersson is a dead giveaway that she's the product of free health care and ABBA. Just what do they put in those meatballs?
CAM Ilary Blasi - Wifey of Francesco Totti. Perhaps the crown jewel of this team with those soul-piercing eyes and that unmercifully sexy name of hers. And the gratuitous nudity doesn't hurt, either.
ST Gemma Atkinson - Ok you're probably thinking there are two problems here:
1. She's a former WAG as she is Cristiano's ex-gf and
2. Cristiano is not a striker.
But I'm one step ahead of you:
1. She's not a former WAG because she's currently dating Marcus Bent who, contrary to popular belief and career statistics, is a professional footballer, and
2. Marcus Bent is a striker. Also, she has really nice surgically-enhanced breasts so I think she's earned her place.
ST Belen Rodriguez - Gotta have an Argentine. Like Sylvie she's been a dutiful and supportive WAG of the sport that has made her famous, making a cameo in the stands of Euro 2008 during the Italy-France game. Looks absolutely stunning in HD.