Monday, March 31, 2008

Hi, I'm Stephen Curry...

Masters of their respective crafts

No I'm jk. I'm not about to repeat my post template but by god am I tempted to. Now if I were to do a similar post on ya boy Curry it would go something like this: Most prolific NCAA scorer since David Thompson, best pure shooter with the best off-the-ball movement since Reggie Miller (some might say J.J. Redick, I won't), future lottery pick, next Mitch Ritchmond, hopefully future cornerstone of Knicks resurrec--ok, over it.

Truth is I really should be doing a "Hi, I'm Cristiano Ronaldo" post based on his other-worldly performances of late. It's come to a point where if he doesn't score a goal it's weird. Ronaldo scoring is a non-event. That's nuts. Here's a look at his last 10 league starts: 13 goals, 4 assists. THAT'S NUTS. To put his absurd season in perspective let's compare it to the other greatest single season performance by a Manchester United winger. George Best, widely regarded as the greatest and most gifted to ever wear the United red, scored 32 goals in 52 games in the 1967-68 season. Ronaldo has already obliterated that mark and with this genius backheel on Sunday brought his total on the season to 35 37 games.

Your agility owes his agility 20 bucks. His quick smells like french toast (french toast?). His better is better than your better (waaaaay better).

(Real winner of this post: Nike Marketing Department)

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Hi, I'm LeBron James...

I like to score 50 points on 50% shooting and dish out 10 assists, too, just so my teammates don't feel left out while I dominate Madison Square Garden like no other since Michael Jordan. No big deal. Oh and when I'm not draining 7 three-pointers from anywhere and everywhere at will I sometimes clean up around the court and grab 8 boards. Again, no big deal. It's not like I'm the first player to put up 50-10-8 since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 33 years ago or anything. And in between plays I like to jaw with the celebrities in the crowd and tell them I'm gonna score 50 when it's already the 4th quarter and I've only got 37. Y'know, just the usual, nothing too crazy. I like to keep it loose. Oh and one of my faaaavorite things to do is beat the buzzer before half-time with a 38-foot spot-up jumpshot. The crowd seems to really like things like that. They also like when I throw down obscene dunks during pre-game warmups that would probably win me a dunk contest or two. In fact they like what I do so much that when I finally sat down and gave the Knicks defense a break this one fan came down out of the stands and came up to me and--you know what he did?--he told me I was his favorite player! I was really touched. Oh and I almost forgot the 4 steals, I like to dabble in some defensive wizardry here and there. I'm just your average TWENTY THREE YEAR OLD.

Depressing Stat of the Night for Depressed Knicks Fans to Make Their Lives What Was Previously Thought to Be Impossible - More Depressing:
Only 2 other players have scored 50 points and dished 10 assists in a game in the last 20 years. Michael Jordan and, yup, Stephon Marbury. Yeah, 13.8 ppg Stephon Marbury. Coney Island's finest. Underachiever of all underachievers.

Tounge out like a certain 6-time NBA champion..

Ok seriously though, this is the stuff of legend. Pre-game dunk contest, half-time buzzer beater, mouthing "Fif-ty" to Spike Lee when he only had 37 in the 4th quarter, a fan so moved by his performance he actually got out of his seat and went up to him to tell him, dazzling play after dazzling play, effortless 3-point shooting, and oh yeah FIFTY. It's a game we'll look back on 10 years from now, the same way we look back on Jordan's 55 at the Garden after he came back from retirement, and think "Wow, greatness."

Jean-Michel Aulas: Foot Stuck Firmly In Mouth

Aulas taunts Ferguson ahead of Champions League clash

"As we are people of fair play, we have brought a bottle of red wine chosen from the year Benzema was born," he told The Sun.

"It's from 1987 - a very fine wine.

"Instead of buying Benzema, he will get a bottle of fine Bordeaux."

Tsk, tsk, Jean-Michel...

Ronaldo scores...Benzema cries

How Aulas thought he was in an appropriate position to taunt us with his team up against the wall facing an away game nightmare and needing to score at Old Trafford is beyond me. Oh hubris, it'll getcha. Funny thing is, a Bordeaux wine doesn't score many goals. Unlike, say, Cristiano Ronaldo who scores a great deal of goals. Take the one he scored yesterday against Aulas' very own Lyon to knock them out of the Champions League, scrappy goal but a goal nonetheless. Keep Benzema, a fine 87' Bordeaux sounds like just the right thing to toast this victory, cheers.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


Changed the name of the blog. Had to be done. When The Seagulls Follow The Trawler--brilliant a tribute as it was to the man, the near-myth if not for the wonders of motion picture, the legend, Eric Cantona--was just too abstract. And a mouthful. And let's be real, no one's gonna type "When the seagulls follow the trawler" into a Google search and, truthfully, I would like it if it wasn't just my mom who read this space. Who am I kidding, she'd rather read Perez.

Note: I'm leaving the video up at the top of the page. It's a sort of ode to the abstract, mouthful, rebel without a cause early days of this blog. Now I've sold my soul and become a slave to conformity. Plus I'm tired of explaining the seagulls quote to the unenlightened and getting blank stares/pity laughter. Real post coming later this week after business school has its way with me. And with that here's a namesake commemorative Top 10 Eric Cantona Goals to brighten all our spirits: