Summer Transfer & Non-Transfer News

With the start of the new season nearly upon us I've decided this is a good time to recap the transfer news of summer that is soon winding to a close.

Hmm let's start with the good news first because there's not much of it so we'll get it out of the way quickly:

Well we held on to Ronaldo which, as much as he still is a little cunt, is a good thing because he is as close to irreplaceable as you'll get in football. Still, nothing he does this season, no matter how heroic or jaw-droppingly incredible, will illicit any more than a gentle golf clap out of me. Until he fucks off to Madrid at the end of the season. Then I'll give him a standing ovation. Ok what else...oh right we didn't sell Frazier Campbell like we usually do with any young promising talent that tries to make it into the first team. That was a pleasant surprise. I hope he gets a chance to prove himself this season because he's definitely quality.

Ok, seriously, how am I supposed to cheer for this?

Yup. That's it. No more good news to report for the summer of wheelings and non-dealings. Now the bad news in quick bullet points because there's so much:

- Sold Gerard Pique, soon-to-be one of the top 10 defenders in the world. Haven't bought any replacements so no defensive cover to speak of. Wonderful.
- Didn't sell Mikael Silvestre as expected so technically he is our defensive cover. Even better.
- Didn't buy a long-term right-back replacement for the aging Gary Neville. Apparently Sir Alex expects Wes Brown to make another deal with the devil and have another surprisingly competent season.
- According to the latest reports today, we bought Dimi Berbatov to finally address our need for another striker. 'But why is this bad news?' I hear you inquire. Well, little ones, gather round close and let me tell you a little tale I like to call: The Extortion of Manchester United...

Once upon a time (about a month ago) Manchester United bid a reasonable 20 million pounds for the services of Dimi Berbatov. Dimi's employers, Tottenham, rejected the bid and asked for a ludicrous 38 million pounds instead. United laughed heartily at such a suggestion and began looking elsewhere. After a month or so they could not find another striker to buy and desperately bid a slightly less ludicrous but still ridiculous 28 million for Dimi. Tottenham gleefully accepted. United got fucked over. Now to put this in perspective:

- Liverpool paid 3 million less for Fernando Torres who is 4 years younger than 27 year old Berbatov and about 5 times better, give or take.
- Liverpool also paid 20 million for Berbatov's teammate, Robbie Keane, of similar age and talent.
- United paid the same amount for Rio Ferdinand but he's been the rock of our defense for the past 5 years so I'd say it's money well spent.
- United paid the same amount for WAYNE ROONEY. 20 years old at the time and ABOUT 10 TIMES BETTER THAN BERBATOV, give or take.

I'm not amused.

A Strange Thing Happened Today

I picked up the July issue of Sports Illustrated with the headline "Nadal Defeats Federer In the Greatest Match Ever." I read it again..greatest match ever..and two thoughts came to mind that have never previously come to mind when I've picked up any other issue of Sports Illustrated:

1. "Spot on!"
2. "Wow, that's not at all an exaggerated sensationalist headline to sell more copies of a sub-par sports magazine living off the repuation of the one swimsuit issue every year that actually has some quality."

Buhshit, Buhshit, Buhshit

Harry Kewell revealed Galatasaray were the pick of several clubs interested in him after signing a two-year deal with the Turkish champions.

The Australian had been linked with Portsmouth, Celtic and Roma, but Kewell admitted Galatasaray quickly won him over.

Oh that's right, Galatasaray is clearly a better option than staying in the best league in the world with Portsmouth or going to one of the most successful clubs in European history in Celtic and let's not even mention that little club from that little town called Rome in that boot-shaped country.

Now don't get me wrong, Galatasaray are no slouches and they've had their fair share of success both in Turkey and in Europe. And Turkey is a great place from what I hear what with their grape leaves and passionate bordering on psychotic fan support (if you have the time, fascinating piece). But don't anyone for one second try and convince me that the Turkish league is on par with the English or Italian leagues or a club of so grand a stature as Celtic. It's just not.

And lest we forget Mr. Kewell played for Leeds for 9 years, during that time playing against Galatasaray in a match that was overshadowed by the tragic stabbing to death of two Leeds fans by Galatasaray hooligans. Leeds fans still haven't forgotten about the tragedy to this day but I guess for Harry a big pile of stinking cash can make you forget just about anything.

Here's Harry in his favored position (interpret that how you wish)

Enough of the bullshit, the Turks were the only team that wanted to take a chance on your glass legs and take on your ludicrous salary demands because the silver lining of the depressing realization that you're a has-been at 29 is that some people with money to burn and seats to fill actually remember you used to be a decent player (despite your worst efforts of the past 5 seasons) and are willing to roll the dice on the slight chance that you might rediscover that form. Suckers. I can't even fathom how many kebabs you're going to stuff your face with on an $80,000/week salary.

Asinine Quote Of The Day: Jens Lehmann

Torres beats Lehmann to give Spain the title

FOX Sports: Germany goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has told Fernando Torres he is still not as good as Thierry Henry at his best, but could get there in time.

"I played in the same team as Thierry Henry, who was like a god," said the 38-year-old shot-stopper.

"There is still a difference. Torres could get there, but it takes a while."

That's right, Jens, there is a difference. Torres has actually scored in the final of a major tournament. You remember, don't you? He did it against you, after all. Thierry Henry, on the other hand, has never scored in the final of a major tournament despite playing in the World Cup final in 98', the Euro final in 2000 and the Champions League final in 2004. As for deity status, Torres was a sort of baby Jesus at Atletico Madrid and after 24 goals in his first season he's already achieved cult hero status amongst the Liverpool supporters. So you're right, Torres is not as good as Henry at his best. He's better.

**UPDATE**
I just read over this weeks after I originally posted it and I must admit I was a bit out of line. Torres is not better than Henry at his best because Henry at his best is the best player English football has ever seen. It's still an asinine thing for Lehmann to say because it's unfair to compare a soon-to-be great player to one who's already great. Obviously Torres at 24 is not better than Henry in his prime of 28-29, you ponce. He's just sour grapes about that peach of a goal Torres scored in the final so I had to call him out for it. One thing you can do is compare Torres now to Henry at the same age and when you do that Torres is better so there suck on that, Jens.

Viva Espana! And Other Bits And Bobs

It's been too long, dear friends. I guess I'll start with tipping my hat to the Spaniards, newly-crowned champions of Europe. When you think about the Italians in 2006 and the luck they had in beating Australia early on and a French team that outplayed them in the final or the way Greece grinded out boring 1-0 win after 1-0 win on the way to glory in 2004, it was nice to see this Spanish team dominate from start to finish and overpower each of their opponents through flowing, attacking, beautiful football. Sheer class. Fully deserved. This could very well be the start of a dynasty.

On a sidenote two players who impressed me immensely were Spanish right-back Sergio Ramos and Dutch midfielder Wesley Sneijder. Incidentally they both play for a certain Real Madrid who has been making bedroom eyes at that little cunt of ours, Cristiano Ronaldo. Speaking of that prick, let me take this opportunity to get this off my chest:

This is from the heart: Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro, you're a cunt. You're a selfish, arrogant, diving, greedy, self-absorbed, shameless, conniving, treacherous, childish, petulant, ungrateful, hooker-hiring, mullet-having, man-purse-carrying, cunt. Now fuck off.

Back to my point, since the fucking cunt (hereafter TFC) has expressed his desire to leave for Real Madrid I say let TFC fuck off to Spain as long as United get Sergio Ramos and Sneijder in return. At 22, Sergio Ramos is the ideal long-term replacement for an aging Gary Neville and the left-footed Sneijder can fit in on either wing as well as the heart of the midfield. Nani should be much improved in his 2nd season and if we sign a goalscoring striker like Berbatov or Klaas Jan Huntelaar to fill the 40 goal void I truly don't think we'll miss him. I don't even want any additional cash compensation . I just never want to see TFC in a United jersey ever again.

So let's recap: Hats off to Spain, worthy victors. Cristiano Ronaldo, fuck off. Hi, Sergio Ramos and Wesley Sneijder, cmover?

My WAG XI

She's my favy

Nobody really cares about the games tomorrow. We're all just waiting for Portugal vs. Germany on Thursday so here's something to hold you over til' then and boost my page hits a whole lot.

Pretty simple idea, WAGs play the corresponding position of their significant other.

GK Alena Seredova - She's just regal, isn't she? Former Miss Czech Republic, also my aformentioned favy.

LB Cheryl Cole - You know what I always say, if she's good enough for one of the Jonas Brothers she's good enough for me. Ms. Tweedy-Cole brings some major musical "talent" to the table with her tremendously successful Britpop girl group and her little cameo in Will.i.am's catchy "Heartbreaker." And she's a good wholesome norn' english Geordie girl. Her only downside is she's married to a stupid fucking cunt.

Gotta have a girl who seems attainable to the average male, sort of the Lindsay Lohan of the squad. With that I introduce to you...

CB Aida Yespica - Now let's not mince words, she's a big ol' slut, and god bless her for it. Any girl who goes from Italian striker Pippo Inzaghi to Italian defender Matteo Ferrari (omg interracial!) to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is A-OK in my book.

RB Imogen Thomas - Used to date Reading defender Ibrahim Sonko (why? I'm not sure) so she qualifies for the right back position. I'm also a sucker for dimpled Welshmen. She's like a less hairy Ryan Giggs aka perfect.

RM Victoria Beckham - Can't think of anyone more worthy of captaining my WAG XI. Before her the WAG didn't even exist. She single-handedly starts fashion trends. Her tits (what augmentation?) make her look like those fem-bots from Austin Powers and they could probably poke my eyes out but I'm drawn to them nonetheless. And she was really funny on that Coming to America NBC special, personality is a refreshing quality to find in a WAG. Basically, she's an incredible woman.

CM Sylvie van der Vaart - The hottest woman alive. Seriously. I saw but a glimpse of her in the stands at the France-Holland game and she is, without lighting or photoshop or a particularly flattering angle, the most stunningly beautiful woman alive. K now that we're on the same page, moving on...

CM Noemie Lenoir- At 28 she brings some much-needed experience to this squad and some essential full-frontal nudity (note the tattoo location, brilliant stuff). And as the arm candy of pitbull Claude Makelele she brings some steel and man-eating prowess to an admittedly lightweight midfield. If you're wondering how a mug like Makelele gets a nubian princess like Naomi, might I direct your attention to his impressive abdomen.

LM Oksana Andersson - Gotta have a Swede if you're making a list of best WAGs. Well she's Russian-born, actually, thus the Oksana. But the Andersson is a dead giveaway that she's the product of free health care and ABBA. Just what do they put in those meatballs?

CAM Ilary Blasi - Wifey of Francesco Totti. Perhaps the crown jewel of this team with those soul-piercing eyes and that unmercifully sexy name of hers. And the gratuitous nudity doesn't hurt, either.

ST Gemma Atkinson - Ok you're probably thinking there are two problems here:
1. She's a former WAG as she is Cristiano's ex-gf and
2. Cristiano is not a striker.

But I'm one step ahead of you:
1. She's not a former WAG because she's currently dating Marcus Bent who, contrary to popular belief and career statistics, is a professional footballer, and
2. Marcus Bent is a striker. Also, she has really nice surgically-enhanced breasts so I think she's earned her place.

ST Belen Rodriguez - Gotta have an Argentine. Like Sylvie she's been a dutiful and supportive WAG of the sport that has made her famous, making a cameo in the stands of Euro 2008 during the Italy-France game. Looks absolutely stunning in HD.

Best Nickname of Euro 2008: Nikopolidis

Ladies and gentlemen, the Greek George Clooney.