Summer Transfer & Non-Transfer News

With the start of the new season nearly upon us I've decided this is a good time to recap the transfer news of summer that is soon winding to a close.

Hmm let's start with the good news first because there's not much of it so we'll get it out of the way quickly:

Well we held on to Ronaldo which, as much as he still is a little cunt, is a good thing because he is as close to irreplaceable as you'll get in football. Still, nothing he does this season, no matter how heroic or jaw-droppingly incredible, will illicit any more than a gentle golf clap out of me. Until he fucks off to Madrid at the end of the season. Then I'll give him a standing ovation. Ok what else...oh right we didn't sell Frazier Campbell like we usually do with any young promising talent that tries to make it into the first team. That was a pleasant surprise. I hope he gets a chance to prove himself this season because he's definitely quality.

Ok, seriously, how am I supposed to cheer for this?

Yup. That's it. No more good news to report for the summer of wheelings and non-dealings. Now the bad news in quick bullet points because there's so much:

- Sold Gerard Pique, soon-to-be one of the top 10 defenders in the world. Haven't bought any replacements so no defensive cover to speak of. Wonderful.
- Didn't sell Mikael Silvestre as expected so technically he is our defensive cover. Even better.
- Didn't buy a long-term right-back replacement for the aging Gary Neville. Apparently Sir Alex expects Wes Brown to make another deal with the devil and have another surprisingly competent season.
- According to the latest reports today, we bought Dimi Berbatov to finally address our need for another striker. 'But why is this bad news?' I hear you inquire. Well, little ones, gather round close and let me tell you a little tale I like to call: The Extortion of Manchester United...

Once upon a time (about a month ago) Manchester United bid a reasonable 20 million pounds for the services of Dimi Berbatov. Dimi's employers, Tottenham, rejected the bid and asked for a ludicrous 38 million pounds instead. United laughed heartily at such a suggestion and began looking elsewhere. After a month or so they could not find another striker to buy and desperately bid a slightly less ludicrous but still ridiculous 28 million for Dimi. Tottenham gleefully accepted. United got fucked over. Now to put this in perspective:

- Liverpool paid 3 million less for Fernando Torres who is 4 years younger than 27 year old Berbatov and about 5 times better, give or take.
- Liverpool also paid 20 million for Berbatov's teammate, Robbie Keane, of similar age and talent.
- United paid the same amount for Rio Ferdinand but he's been the rock of our defense for the past 5 years so I'd say it's money well spent.
- United paid the same amount for WAYNE ROONEY. 20 years old at the time and ABOUT 10 TIMES BETTER THAN BERBATOV, give or take.

I'm not amused.

Viva Espana! And Other Bits And Bobs

It's been too long, dear friends. I guess I'll start with tipping my hat to the Spaniards, newly-crowned champions of Europe. When you think about the Italians in 2006 and the luck they had in beating Australia early on and a French team that outplayed them in the final or the way Greece grinded out boring 1-0 win after 1-0 win on the way to glory in 2004, it was nice to see this Spanish team dominate from start to finish and overpower each of their opponents through flowing, attacking, beautiful football. Sheer class. Fully deserved. This could very well be the start of a dynasty.

On a sidenote two players who impressed me immensely were Spanish right-back Sergio Ramos and Dutch midfielder Wesley Sneijder. Incidentally they both play for a certain Real Madrid who has been making bedroom eyes at that little cunt of ours, Cristiano Ronaldo. Speaking of that prick, let me take this opportunity to get this off my chest:

This is from the heart: Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro, you're a cunt. You're a selfish, arrogant, diving, greedy, self-absorbed, shameless, conniving, treacherous, childish, petulant, ungrateful, hooker-hiring, mullet-having, man-purse-carrying, cunt. Now fuck off.

Back to my point, since the fucking cunt (hereafter TFC) has expressed his desire to leave for Real Madrid I say let TFC fuck off to Spain as long as United get Sergio Ramos and Sneijder in return. At 22, Sergio Ramos is the ideal long-term replacement for an aging Gary Neville and the left-footed Sneijder can fit in on either wing as well as the heart of the midfield. Nani should be much improved in his 2nd season and if we sign a goalscoring striker like Berbatov or Klaas Jan Huntelaar to fill the 40 goal void I truly don't think we'll miss him. I don't even want any additional cash compensation . I just never want to see TFC in a United jersey ever again.

So let's recap: Hats off to Spain, worthy victors. Cristiano Ronaldo, fuck off. Hi, Sergio Ramos and Wesley Sneijder, cmover?

Something To Pass The Time

The dust has settled on the absolutely incredible beyond description magical night in Moscow. Manchester United are champions of Europe and don't think it's fully settled in. It probably only will when next season rolls around and the commentator casually remarks "Manchester United, reigning champions of Europe, looking to start the season on the..." and a smile crawls across my face as I share that wonderful little moment with no one else but myself.

Anyway it's 13 days between now and the start of the European Championships in Austria & Switzerland so here's a little something to hold you over until we can see Cristiano and the boys doing it big in Portuguese maroon (yes I've adopted them as my team in lieu of England's absence); his unofficial top 5 free kicks of his remarkable season complete with awful techno music (also helps me forget about that penalty miss):

CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE

Champions League Final Preview

Because I'll be too much of a nervous wreck during the game to live blog and too drunk/ecstatic/depressed/furious/at a loss for words depending on the result to blog after.

Don't expect a prediction, I'm definitely not daft enough to do that and tempt the football gods.

In fact, fuck it, I'm too much of a nervous wreck right now to give a preview. I'll just ask that you all cheer on the Red Devils like I will be like a raving lunatic in the comfort of my own home.

OMG OMFG LESS THAN AN HOUR TIL KICKOFF!!

This post hasn't been much of a preview, more a way to expend nervous energy. For all your CL Final needs including a Live Blog, a drinking game, and previews and predictions abound head on over to the fine people at The Offside.

Anyway I'm off to watch the pre-game. C'MONNNNN UNNNNIIIIITTTEEEEDDD

**ESPN First Take Segway: "The..uh..UEFA Champion Final coming up right now" Can't make this stuff up.

Are You Ready?

(Credit to Kickette)

I'M SO FUCKING READY AHKSHDBIUBFIDHDHFK

I've also got a little hop in my step today at the expense of Cashley.

Scholesy Does It Again

PAUL SCHOLES! HE SCORES GOALS! as the old chant goes. He doesn't score as many as he used and he hadn't scored in the Champions League since 2006. This season he had only scored once in all competitions but you can't say enough about the importance of timing. Just ask Scholes; back in 1999 the ginger-haired one chose the semifinal vs Juventus to pick up his 5th yellow card of the competition and was suspended for the epic Champions League triumph over Bayern Munich. Nearly a decade later the Ginger Prince seized upon an errant Xavi clearance 14 minutes into the contest and conjured up a bit of magic to remind us all why he will be the first name on the team sheet for the Moscow final in 3 weeks time.

Scholesy's 30 yard screamer proved to be the difference in an enthralling, and at times nerve-wracking, fixture. Barcelona had their chances to equalize but at times I could have sworn we were playing Arsenal out there with Barcelona oddly reluctant to actually test us with some shots on goal. Another puzzling choice was that of Thierry Henry, so often deadly against us in his old Arsenal days, starting on the bench and only coming on with 20 minutes to play. This is surely Rijkaard's final season coaching Barcelona after another trophy-less season where he has shown he can no longer handle the many superstar personalities of Barcelona.

Now to the player ratings:

Cristiano Ronaldo: 5/10 Petulant and immature, sloppy and selfish with possession and didn't match the effort of his teammates. Predictably ineffectual in the big game once again and I was a bit disappointed he wasn't subbed off instead of Nani late on.
Nani: 7/10 Pace caused Barcelona problems all night and upstaged his fellow Portuguese high-stepper.
Carlos Tevez: 7/10 An absolute pitbull up front and did well to disrupt the flow of Barcelona.
Paul Scholes: 9/10 Scored the vital goal and showed once again why he's one of the great midfielders of his generation with his intelligent and accurate passing.
Michael Carrick: 6/10 Did well to help Scholes manage the midfield and protect the backline.
Park Ji-Sung: 7/10 Gave us an incredible level of energy from start to finish, even coming close to scoring a couple times.
Owen Hargreaves: 7/10 Overall did well protecting his flank but ineffectual supporting the attack and had a couple nervous moments defending.
Patrice Evra: 8/10 Excellent defending and never once made me worry about any Barcelona attacks from the right wing. Also supported the left-wing attack and combined well with Ronaldo.
Wes Brown: 9/10 I usually give him a hard time, but he actually played excellent in place of the injured Vidic.
Rio Ferdinand: 8/10 Led by example wearing the captain's armband. The backline was superb and
Edwin van der Sar: 7/10 Typically steady in goal.

Man of the Match: Wes Brown. Scholes is the sentimental favorite plus he scored the winner but I'm gonna give it to the darkhorse. Against, in my opinion, the most dangerous attack in all of Europe, he stepped into Vidic's place and produced a fine defensive display without which we probably would've conceded a goal late on.

All-around solid performance especially without the services of Rooney and Vidic but still much to improve, particularly from Ronaldo's end, before we can dream about lifting the cup in Moscow.

Just When You Thought I Was Getting Soft...

I know what you're thinking, first I confess my love for Mila, then I follow up with a measly picture post. Plus I haven't posted about Manchester United in ages. You're probably thinking I've lost my edge. Fair enough...

Things I hate:

1. United "fans" who are on their fucking phones the entire game about "maybe getting a couple bottles because y'know bro we'll probably roll with a crew of about 16, probably 10 dudes, but y'know bro nobody wants to commit because it's a lot of money and I'm gonna stay on the phone with you bro for 15 minutes and reiterate this same sentiment with little to no progress being made by the time I finally get off of the phone with you." AND THEN they come back and sit down to catch the end of the game, giving some empty applause for some empty effort on the field. Then they clap it up at the final whistle, feeling satisfied with a goalless draw where we squander a penalty opportunity away from home and get dominated on posession 2 to 1 from start to finish. Why do they do this? Because they don't really see what's going on in front of them because they're NOT REAL FUCKING FANS.

2. Headlines like "United Grind Out Valuable Draw" and "Solid Display Pleases Boss". They just don't sit well with me. Pleases? That kind of performance pleases you, Sir Alex? Where are our standards? I thought we were trying to make it to the Champions League final not just scrape by. We're in it to win it and you sure as fuck don't win it with 7 shots vs 20 from Barcelona, lack of direction, focus and shape, and generally dreadful play over 90 minutes. 27% posession? Were we allergic to the ball? And how exactly is this a good result for us? It makes the return game in Manchester a must-win while Barcelona only needs to score at least a goal and not lose. To qualify this as a good result I would have to be confident that we play better next game. Right now, I'm not.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo in big game situations. I know that's not exactly fair for me to say just a week after he stepped up for a penalty, stutter stepped, and scored against Arsenal--twice. But that still doesn't excuse the way he took that penalty today. Trying to power it just inside the post instead of just sending the keeper the wrong way and slotting it home comfortably. Fucking amateur. Steven Gerrard would have put it away. That's why he has a Champions League winner's medal and Ronaldo doesn't. There, I said it. Gerrard comes through in the clutch. Ronaldo falls down under challenges from defenders too easily and too often that when he does actually get fouled, particularly on two potential penalty calls in the 2nd half, the ref won't call it because he's the fucking pretty boy who cried wolf. And he loses his killer instinct that he usually has, his swag, and regresses to the Ronaldo of 4-5 years ago--holding the ball too long and either flicking fancy but harmless backpasses or just losing posession and falling to the ground...again.

Things I love:

Real World: Hollywood. Between Will and Sarah's forbidden romance, Joey's alcoholism, and Kimberly's latent racism; it's the only thing keeping me going.


All of the above being said, the most pivotal moment of the game came just before half-time when Rafa Marquez cynically tripped up Ronaldo and earned himself a yellow card--and more importantly, a suspension from the game in Manchester. With Barcelona shorn of their best and most tenacious defender and talismanic captain Carles Puyol still injured, United are actually in a good position to win back in Manchester, despite their worst efforts.

*Update: Puyol is not injured, he was just suspended, and he'll be back for next week's clash. So scratch that bit of optimism I had before. On the bright side Derek Rae wrote an article agreeing with my position on the perils of a goalless away draw which at least lets me know I'm not a ranting raving idiot. I'm just ranting and raving.

Hi, I'm Stephen Curry...

Masters of their respective crafts

No I'm jk. I'm not about to repeat my post template but by god am I tempted to. Now if I were to do a similar post on ya boy Curry it would go something like this: Most prolific NCAA scorer since David Thompson, best pure shooter with the best off-the-ball movement since Reggie Miller (some might say J.J. Redick, I won't), future lottery pick, next Mitch Ritchmond, hopefully future cornerstone of Knicks resurrec--ok, over it.

Truth is I really should be doing a "Hi, I'm Cristiano Ronaldo" post based on his other-worldly performances of late. It's come to a point where if he doesn't score a goal it's weird. Ronaldo scoring is a non-event. That's nuts. Here's a look at his last 10 league starts: 13 goals, 4 assists. THAT'S NUTS. To put his absurd season in perspective let's compare it to the other greatest single season performance by a Manchester United winger. George Best, widely regarded as the greatest and most gifted to ever wear the United red, scored 32 goals in 52 games in the 1967-68 season. Ronaldo has already obliterated that mark and with this genius backheel on Sunday brought his total on the season to 35 goals...in 37 games.

Your agility owes his agility 20 bucks. His quick smells like french toast (french toast?). His better is better than your better (waaaaay better).

(Real winner of this post: Nike Marketing Department)

Jean-Michel Aulas: Foot Stuck Firmly In Mouth

Aulas taunts Ferguson ahead of Champions League clash

"As we are people of fair play, we have brought a bottle of red wine chosen from the year Benzema was born," he told The Sun.

"It's from 1987 - a very fine wine.

"Instead of buying Benzema, he will get a bottle of fine Bordeaux."

Tsk, tsk, Jean-Michel...

Ronaldo scores...Benzema cries

How Aulas thought he was in an appropriate position to taunt us with his team up against the wall facing an away game nightmare and needing to score at Old Trafford is beyond me. Oh hubris, it'll getcha. Funny thing is, a Bordeaux wine doesn't score many goals. Unlike, say, Cristiano Ronaldo who scores a great deal of goals. Take the one he scored yesterday against Aulas' very own Lyon to knock them out of the Champions League, scrappy goal but a goal nonetheless. Keep Benzema, a fine 87' Bordeaux sounds like just the right thing to toast this victory, cheers.

United Hold Serve In Lyon, Run Riot at St. James'

I'm gonna be honest. I'd rather be writing about the brilliance that is "Making The Band 4" that I'm currently enjoying thoroughly as I write this. It's almost as good as, dare I say, "America's Best Dance Crew"...dare I say. I haven't seen Mario Lopez so excited since Bayside beat Valley. JC Chasez's greatest achievements in life can be ranked as follows:
3. Being a member of N'SYNC
2. Being asked to judge for "America's Best Dance Crew" after Chris Judd and Michael Jackson's brother Tito both declined AND despite his distinct lack of dancing talent
1. Being asked to guest star on Blaque's chart-topper "Bring It All To Me" where he got to pretend to be "so for real", wear tims, baggy jeans and have "thug appeal". His words, not mine. Ok let me get back on point...

Rooney scores the pick of the bunch at Newcastle

United Hold Lyon, Gain Upper Hand
United gave me a bit of scare midweek by almost losing at Lyon in the Champions League. Thankfully Carlos Tevez equalized on a scrappy goal in the dying stages to earn United a valuable away goal and the upper hand in their two-leg affair. Too many appendages in that last sentence. Not much to say about this game except that Karim Benzema is the truth in the booth and is, without a doubt, one of the brightest young talents in all of football. Straight up. The holy trinity of French-North Africans he's about to form with Hatem Ben Arfa and Samir Nasri is going to terrorize teams from World Cup 2010 to infinity and beyond. And the just the thought of this possibilty nearly gives me an aneurysm. But , yknow, like a good aneurysm.

United Run Riot
United followed up an impressive CL away performance with another impressive away performance as they embarassed Newcastle in front of their home crowd 5-1. Rooney and Ronaldo scored twice each and Saha added the 5th. United were never troubled from the outset, just a comprehensive demoralization. Oh yea and Cristiano Ronaldo is the best player in the world, no big deal.

Reigning World Player of the Year, Kaka: 8 goals in 18 appearances.
Leading candidate for WPY, C. Ronaldo : 29 goals in 23 appearances.
(Strong) Advantage: Cristiano Ronaldo

The Italian Job
Fiorentina succumbed away at Roma, 1-0. Don't wanna talk much more about it, it's a touchy subject.

Tottenham celebrate their triumph over Chelsea

And Finally...Fuck You, Chelsea
The Chelski scum were beaten in the Carling Cup final 2-1 thanks to an extra-time winner from new signing Jonathan Woodgate. Suck on that you billionaire bastards.

Manchester Maul Arsenal & Mutu Shines Again

What a very, very good weekend it was. On Saturday Manchester United wiped the proverbial floor with Arsenal in their 5th round FA Cup tie to send them through to the quarterfinals by a 4-0 scoreline. Highlights here. The next day Fiorentina beat Catania 2-1 thanks to a 70th minute winner from the dreamy Adrian Mutu. Yeah, he's dreamy. I'm not gonna front. So let's start with the utter domination of Arsenal at Old Trafford:

What I like most about this consummate ass-beating was the virtual 2nd team that handed out the beating. All the pre-game chatter was about how Arsenal would rest their stars and United had the luxury of a full squad including the return of Wayne Rooney and Patrice Evra from suspension. Rooney and Evra did return to the starting lineup but that lineup also included a 5-man midfield of all second choice players. Regular starters Hargreaves, Scholes, Giggs, and Tevez were sitting as well as most notably Cristiano Ronaldo. Supposedly the game meant more to United. Didn't seem that way with the likes of Hleb, Kolo Toure and Fabregas all starting for Arsenal when they were all expected to sit meanwhile walking disaster Darren Fletcher started in our midfield as Ronaldo and his 27 goals sat on the sideline. The result was another masterstroke from Ferguson as the fresh-legged 5-man midfield and well-rested Rooney oozed energy and flair and blindsided Arsenal with 3 first half goals. Darren Fletcher added the 4th in the 2nd half after yet more domination, his 2nd of the game (shocking, I know). I'm a bit disappointed we didn't score 5.

Welcome Return
Wayne Rooney came back from suspension and showed just what United were missing in last week's loss to City as he could not be contained. His energy was incredible and he was at his precocious best. Unfortunately he was at his petulant worst picking up a completely unnecessary yellow card for time-wasting.

The Replacements
Nani had a hand in all 4 goals, scoring once and assisting twice. Both assists were to Darren Fletcher as the two briefly created a partnership to rival that of Stockton to Malone. His two headed goals aside, Fletcher was, predictably, otherwise generally inept. Anderson also caught the eye with a typically energetic performance, doggedly chasing down and winning almost every ball in his vicinity as well as making the odd intelligent pass. If you take away the dreadlocks, turn his skin color white, and replace his soft-spoken broken English with an Irish bark; you could easily mistake him for a young Roy Keane.

Dirty Gunners
Adebayor was booked for diving in the box to prompt a rousing rendition of the classic chant "Same old Arsenal, always cheating" from the capacity crowd. Eboue was red carded for a heinous aerial assault on Evra. And to top it off captain William Gallas was lucky to escape punishment for a petulant kick at Nani after he made him look silly by running circles around him. You could almost say they were as dirty as Chris Berman's mouth. Almost.

Man of the Match: Michael Carrick
Made a case for a starting spot with his 2nd successive impressive performance after his goal last week vs Man City. Quietly dominated the midfield from start to finish with impressively subtle ball control and a brilliant array of passing talents on display. Also created the play of the game as he delivered a pinpoint lofted pass from 40 yards away to the foot of Nani which he tucked away for the 3rd goal.

Next Game
Man United travel to France midweek for the first leg of their tie with Lyon in the Champions League. Lyon is grossly underrated and they sort of make me nervous but coming off a confidence-boosting performance like this and with the return of Tevez, Giggs, and Ronaldo to the squad I'm cautiously optimistic we'll come home with an important away victory.

The Italian Job
Mutu is the fucking man. Nothing much else to report here. The win puts Fiorentina ahead of AC Milan in 4th place. It was Mutu's 13th goal of the season. No official statistic of his supermodel count this season but it's probably a similar figure.

A Day Of Remembrance...And A Derby As Well...

Today Manchester--both red and blue sides--came together for a moving and fitting tribute to those that perished in the Munich air disaster 50 years ago last Wednesday. 23 people died including 8 of the famed "Busby Babes" who won back-to-back league titles and were actually flying back from a Champions League semi-final when the crash occurred. Some ignorant City fans, including the pieces of shit who set off what sounded like fireworks outside the stadium during the minute's silence, forget that they lost one of their own in legendary keeper Frank Swift who was one of the 8 journalists also killed in the crash. It wasn't just a United tragedy, it wasn't just a Manchester tragedy or a football tragedy either; it was a tragedy.

"Forever remembered" was the motto of the occasion and the words rang true as the emotion was palpable even through the television screen during the solemn pre-match ceremonies and minute of silence. Sir Alex even gave Sven a seemingly genuine half-embrace after they both laid their respective club wreaths in the center circle. Ferguson said of the occasion: "I have never been more proud to be a part of Manchester United."

Now let's get to the actual daaarby. Rooney was suspended for the game after picking up his 5th yellow card of the season for diving in his last game. Incidentally, United are unbeaten with Rooney playing. Hmm...well the predictable happened without Rooney and an injured Saha (Saha? Injured? Get outta town) leaving the attacking burden on Tevez and making it easier for City to focus their defensive attention on the boy Ronaldo. Maybe we didn't have to loan out Angolan starlet Manucho to Greece, just a thought. City scored through the handiwork of the irrepressible Martin Petrov who is, dare I say, faster than Ronaldo. Vassell almost fluffed his chance like he usually does but scored on the rebound. City made it two before the half with new signing Benjani flicking on a Petrov cross just inside the far post. United proceeded to spend the majority of the 2nd half firmly entrenched in City's half of the pitch with little success and finally scored a consolatory goal in stoppage time through a strike from Michael Carrick trying to prove that he hasn't faded into oblivion since his gem of a game vs Roma last season.
Disappointing, obviously. Especially considering the way Arsenal have handled the same City side with ease this season. Still I'm not very concerned because when it comes down to it we have the stronger side: best central defensive partnership in the league, best midfield depth between Hargreaves, Carrick, the ever-improving Anderson, and now Scholes back, and the best player in the world playing absolutely out of his skin.

At least that's what I keep telling myself as I try to ignore the fact that Adebayor is fast becoming one of the most consistently deadly strikers in the league, Flamini is making everyone forget about Viera, and Alexander Hleb is proving that he's actually not a bad footballer (very good, in fact). Plus I keep hoping that Ronaldo will, for once, have a good game vs Arsenal/Chelsea/Liverpool. But that's not happening, nope. This is depressing. SO HOW BOUT THEM GIANTS? Wow never thought I'd see the day where the Giants make me feel better about a poor United performance. I'm feeling disoriented, where's my inhaler..

Let The Superlatives Flow

I know, I know. Cristiano Ronaldo is the best player in the world blah blah boooring. Hackneyed, isn't it? But after yet another virtuoso performance and one of the goals of the season what else do you expect me to talk about?

So anyway, Manchester United had an easy going of it against Portsmouth tonight at Old Trafford after Ronaldo blitzed them for 2 goals in 3 minutes early on in the first half. After that it was smooth sailing and the game ended 2-0 but they could have easily scored more. By the way, I'm a psychic. Predicting the scoreline and Ronaldo to get on the scoresheet (although these days it'd be more of a gamble to bet against Ronaldo scoring.)

Now for some quotes:

"David Beckham's strike rate was pretty good, Eric Cantona used to take them too but Ronaldo's strike rate is phenomenal. That without doubt must be the best (I've seen in the Premier League). From that distance he is going to hit them. No keeper in the world would save that." - Sir Alex Ferguson

"He's a gift from heaven, isn't he? He truly is a gift from heaven. Whatever he touches turns to gold." - Match commentator (Martin Tyler?) after the brilliant free-kick.

Strong words coming from a guy who's coached such free-kick masters as Cantona, Veron, Scholes, Denis Irwin, and of course David Beckham. Also very flattering words from the match commentator who, if I'm not mistaken, isn't even a United fan yet he's sounding like one.

Marvel at the magic:

Now Back To The Boys In Red...

Alright now back to business. First thing's first: All Hail Cristiano.


No thumbs up to you, good sir. Alright now that that's out of the way...no but seriously, 25 goals? In 23 games? Really? Revolutionizing the winger position as we know it? And he's great looking? And he throws parties for his teammates complete with authentic Manchester hookers? He's really embracing the #7 shirt. George Best is smiling down from heaven.

Moving on, Manchester United were drawn to play Arsenal in the 5th round (round of 16) of the FA Cup. I couldn't be happier about this draw. Not only do we get to play them at home as opposed to a semi-final that would've likely been at Villa Park or a final at Wembley, but we play them 6 days after the African Nations Cup ends which is most likely when Kolo Toure and Eboue will return after the Ivory Coast inevitably wins.

Update: my colleague Nick over at the Manchester United Offside pointed out the draw isn't exactly ideal as we play Lyon in the Champions League a few days later. Good point but still, I'll take a home draw vs an ANC-weakened Arsenal team.

Speaking of African Nations Cup cha boy Manucho--of former Petro Atletico glory, current Angolan Black Antelopes glory, and future Red Devil glory--scored two in an upset over Senegal. Not getting carried away, all I'll say is he looks promising. And when he scores his first goal for us in the imminent future I will declare the Trawler to be in a state of Manucho Mania.

Looking ahead to Wednesday's home clash vs Pompey I must say I'm cautiously confident. Despite our poor recent form against them and them being a generally stingy team to break down, the ANC has severely weakened their team plus I don't see a viable solution they could have to the boy Cristiano. Still Pompey is as hard a team as any to blow out so I'll predict 2-1 or 2-0 as a final score, with Cristiano quite obviously on the scoresheet.

...

I'm absolutely steaming. I'm not one to get all hysterical so early in the season but when you drop 7 out of 9 points to start and you're gunning for the title, yes it's officially a crisis. I hate rooting for Liverpool but that's what I'll be doing in a half-hour. I am so fucking pissed right now. I'll write a full match report/scathing madman rant later when I've cooled down. I'll also do a post on the Red Bulls-Galaxy game I went to last night because that game made me happy unlike this mindless fucking drivel I just watched.

Oh God. Oh God, No.

Quick game analysis: Watching the first 30 minutes or so I had no doubt that we would start this season off to a flyer. Dominating possession, creating chances left and right, I was just waiting patiently for the breakthrough. Then the minutes dragged on, then Rooney went down and I immediately thought the worst despite him continuing to play the half, then Nani came on for him and it was clear that we we're lacking that finishing touch. We looked like Arsenal. Ugh.

Full credit to Reading, they were organized and played "bend but don't break" defense. Kitson red card was a bit harsh on replays but referees don't make decisions on replays they make em' on what they see in real-time and in real-time that challenge looked nasty. First game of the season at Old Trafford is a daunting task and no one wants to start off with a loss so you can't blame them for putting 10 behind the ball.

Moving on to the more important matter: It's not enough that we absolutely dominate Reading for 90 minutes and even with an extra man end up with a draw, no it's not enough. The boy wonder just has to go and get injured. Out for 3 months could be a legitimate possibility. I'll make this very clear, there is no single player that we couldn't have afforded to lose to injury more than Rooney.

If Ronaldo goes down, PFA award and all, we at least have Anderson and Nani to fill in. If Scholes or Carrick go down, we have Hargreaves or Fletcher (yes, he really isn't that bad). But Rooney, that's a whole other story.

Riddle me this, how is it that currently the only available strikers we have are Carlos Tevez and Dong Fangzhou? DONG EFFIN' FANGZHOU. Nothing against the guy, he sells a lot of jerseys abroad and maybe he'll be good in a couple years, but no way is he ready to contribute to this years campaign. In contrast you have Giuseppe Rossi, a guy who lit up the Reserves two seasons ago and has been chomping at the bit for a full season now. Oh and in his spare time he also scored 9 goals in half a season for Parma. Now how exactly do you bid 10 million pounds for Quagliarella, who scored 11 goals in a full season in Italy, while letting Rossi go for 6 million? Are you meaning to tell me that the conversation where SAF tells Rossi that he's gonna let Smith go to Newcastle and he needs him to play this season because Saha is made of glass and Solskjaer is on his last legs never happens? Really?

Me feeling Rossi was hard done by aside, this is a team that is playing on 4 fronts. The fact that Saha and Solskjaer are only temporarily injured shouldn't be taken lightly. SAF knew that he would only have Rooney, Tevez, and Fangzhou to start the season (and actually the Tevez deal wasn't even finalized by then) when he decided to sell both Smith and Rossi. Just like how currently we don't have to sell Heinze, we didn't have to sell Rossi. It just doesn't make sense.

Looking for solutions: Enough ranting. No crying over spilt milk, well maybe a little crying. I'd like to see Frazier Campbell called up and given a shot, I think he can contribute more than Fangzhou (still can't understand why he isn't out on loan to a Championship side like Arsenal did with Bendtner last year). Also let's not forget, the transfer deadline is August 31st and rumor has it that Eidur Gudjohnsen is available. All for now, cheers.

Good News For Smudge Fans

Alan Smith, affectionately nicknamed "Smudge" by his former Leeds fans, has been added to the United squad that is set to tour Asia. Amid all the rumors of him going to Boro or Newcastle or wherever, this is good news for the majority of United fans that love our Smudger. This man broke his leg and dislocated his ankle in one of the most horrific injuries I've ever seen (typically diving in to block a John Arne Riise free-kick) then worked his socks off for about a year to get fit again when some said his career might be over. He turned down the opportunity to get some playing time on loan, worked through the reserves and finally emphatically came back with this. The guy is 100% committed all the time.

Some people have such a short memory. Only 3 years ago Smith was signed for a bargain 6 million pounds from Leeds United. He was a major contributor to Leeds' Champions League semi-final appearance in 2001 and scored 7 goals in Europe that year. He's not just got heart, he's got skill too. He famously turned down an opportunity to play for England to instead play for the United reserve squad. United have a talented striker that would start for the likes of Middlesbrough but is actually willing to be 3rd or 4th choice and help the team in whatever way he can. He's a fan favorite (especially with the ladies) and a great example to the rest of the squad with his commitment and heart. All he's asking for is a little backing and new contract that says we want him. Is that really too much to ask?

With that being said, here are my Top 5 Alan Smith goals for Manchester United:

5. 2004 vs Blackburn - Couldn't find it anywhere but it was a clutch injury time equaliser. Instead here's a nice little goal he had at Charlton:


4. vs Fulham (skip to the 2:12 mark):


3. 2004 FA Community Shield vs Arsenal (first goal for United-skip to 2:58 mark):

Alan Smith
Uploaded by Patryczek_Ronaldo

2. 2007 CL Quarterfinal vs Roma:

Manchester United 2 - 0 Roma - Smith Goa
Uploaded by FootballHeaven

1. 2004 vs Norwich:


He needs to stay because, frankly, he's a true Red Devil (apart from that whole being from Leeds thing, minor detail).

On Horseface and Hulk...

If I'm Sheffield United, I'm pissed the fuck off.

Moving on, in a previous post I said that I didn't think Tevez was that good. I didn't really mean that, I was just turned off by the price tag and the messy ownership problems (I still am). He's been playing well in the Copa America and if you play consistently well on the international stage in a big tournament then you probably are legit. And I trust Ferguson/Queiroz's judgment.

All this talk of Tevez being another Rooney and our need for a target man is seriously fucking retarded. We had a target man and his name was Ruud and he was a damn good horse-faced target man. But we sold him. And then we went on to win the league. We sold Ruud because he was sticking out like a sore thumb with his inability to do anything other than finish and poach goals in and around the 6 yard box (I know, I know, he was really good at it but you're missing the point). There was a clear improvement w/o Ruud, more slick and free-flowing football that wasn't just more pleasing to the eye but more of a nightmare to opposing defenses. Tevez is in the same mould as Ronaldo, Rooney, Nani, and Anderson in that he is a more well-rounded attacking player. And 7 goals in 10 games shows he can be a prolific scorer, too. So there.

It's About That Time...

...to actually post something, I haven't done that in a while. It's also about that time to address the recent transfer rumors that have been circling and address them in terms of validity and what I think about it (regardless of how valid it is). Considering the sheer massive volume of transfer rumors bandied about daily to fill the newspapers in lieu of actual match reports at this time of year, I'm just gonna deal with United transfer rumors.



Fab Quag: Ok first of all, this nickname needs to go. It may flow phonetically, but it has to be one of the most effeminate nicknames in all of football. And calling him Fabio isn't much better because then you just get the mental picture of the long-haired I Can't Believe It's Not Butter guy. So do you go with Quagliarella? That's a bit of a mouthful. So I guess it's Quag, but even that I'm not too keen on. Actually I think I got it, just call him Q. Like the gadget guy from James Bond, I've always liked that guy. Ok good so it's settled, now Q can play for United.

Now as for his chances of pulling on United red, I think its a 30% chance. Udinese just gained full ownership of Q in some bizarre blind auction thing that only Italian football would do so there goes the previously high probability that Q was gonna stay at Sampdoria. The reason I say 30% is because rarely do Italian players, especially young ones, come over to play in England. Especially when they have local big guns like Roma (who Q is a known admirer of) and Inter interested to sign them, too. It's also no accident that every member of the World Cup winning Italian side played in Serie A. Q knows this and doesn't want to jeopardize his already successful Azzuri career (he scored twice in his debut recently). Basically the 30% is the allure of playing for the English champs, alongside the likes of Ronaldo, Rooney, Giggs, etc. which can be pretty enticing. Plus there's also this.

And I don't trust anything that comes out of an agent's mouth, by the way, so until Q says it himself I won't believe it.

Eidur for Pique: No, no, no. No. NO. Former Chelsea affiliations aside, Gudjohnsen is 29 years old and wasn't very impressive this season at the Camp Nou (albeit with limited chances). Gerard Pique, on the other hand, had a very nice little season on loan at Zaragoza and is very bright young talent at only 20 years old. He's an intelligent defender and with Rio's lapses in concentration getting more and more frequent and costlier I could see him taking over for him very soon.

Berbatov: Would cost too much and I would feel bad raiding Spurs for their star player for a second year running. With Chelsea getting all these free transfers we're gonna become the new Chelski. Thanks, but no thanks.

Tevez: I really don't think he's that good and the ownership issue is too messy. And he looks like a monster, but not in a good way. So no.

Defoe: Nonsense.

Saviola: Always have been a fan but I think we're looking for someone with more size so I'll pass.

Huntelaar: Next van Nistelrooy. Which is exactly why we shouldn't get him.

Torres and Eto'o: Both would be big money, but both would be worth it in my opinion. United and Liverpool have both been heavily linked to each of them so you have to figure if one goes to Anfield then we can get the other one. Eto'o's (that looks weird) attitude worries me and Torres is younger and got good size and strength for the Prem so I'm partial to El Nino. But I guess I'd settle for Eto'o (kidding, kidding, I'd be ecstatic). Just don't like the idea of competing with Milan for his signature, we're gonna have to shell out the big bucks.

Wishlist:
1. Torres
2. Q
3. Eto'o
4. Don't bother buying

**Update: I'm surprised no one picked up on the real problem with the name Fab Quag before. Now he must be called Q.